I wasn't sure if I should write about this, but if it can help anyone it's worth it.
I haven't blogged in a long time, but this is about a major event for me and perhaps worth the time.
So here it goes:
Last Sunday night I had a wedding in Einat about 5 miles from Petah Tikva.
As you may be aware, my family came to Israel from 1980 -1983 and lived in Petah Tikva. I was 11-14 year old and Bar Mitzvah in Israel. My father was working on the Lavi Jet fighter the most sophisticated air to air combat fighter created in it's time. We had a plan to stay for the duration of that project.
I was in 6-8th grade and B"H adjusted pretty quickly. I had a very good childhood and life during those years. It was very simple real and pure. Although most of us liked it very much, when the three years were over we ended up moving back to the USA
I had a gig Sunday night that ended at 11:00PM. The wedding in Enat was for a very close friends daughter who said the wedding will go to 1:00AM. I was in my car at 11:04PM moving it to Einat. B"H there was no traffic. I took route 6 Israels only toll road and was there at 11:40PM. Very nice wedding I got to dance and hang out a bit and left about 1:30AM.
I decided to take route 40 back, the FREE road and was heading towards my old home town Petah Tikva. I was thinking of stopping by my old apartment but it was late and I wasn't sure how to get there...
As I passed the entrances to Petah Tikva from route 40 I said, what the heck I'm 5 min away and I am never here. I made a right turn off 40 pulled over where I got some WIFI, loaded the map of Petah Tikva in my iphone and found my old street Rechov Hanisiim.
I followed the GPS and got there in 5 min. I noticed the shul we used to davened in Munkatz which was VERY dirty and black on parts of it, in the need of a major paint job. I remember it white and new looking from 29 years ago.
I parked across the street from the apartments and looked at it for a minute or so.
I wasn't sure if I should get out, but said hey I'm here what the heck. So I got out crossed the street and walked into the Driveway of building 24
For the first 2 years we lived in 24 then moved to the building next door 26. Those 2 buildings and 28 share a pool in the back which was a nice arrangement. I and my brother Naftoli learned to swim there.
It was now after 2:00AM and I was walking around downstairs just checking out the outside. The door was locked so I could not get in. My brothers Naftoli Shimmy and I used to play outside a lot and I was trying hard to remember what it was like.
I remember playing marbles outside with Naftoli and wasn't quite sure exactly where we played. After a few minutes I headed to the pool in the back which was locked and over to the next building 26. I really wanted to remember and connect to the past, so I asked Hashem to help me remember that little boy. When I got to the side of the building I saw a patch of fresh looking dirt which looked like the spot we played marbles.
I knelt down to the ground and touched the soft dirt where I was certain now that we had played many hours of marbles, trying to get them from one ditch to the other.
At the moment Baaaam! I felt this pulse of energy go though me. It's hard to describe but it was a very powerful sensation. I started to tear a bit and continued to think about the little boy who use to play there for hours.
I got up and headed back towards the car across the street, got in an closed the door. I started to cry and cry and cry some more. It kept getting more and more intense until it was completely out of my control. I did not understand exactly what was going in why I was crying so deeply. After about 15 minutes I looked in the mirror my facial muscles were all contracted extremely tightly, tears were flowing and flowing out of my eyes. I found a roll of toiled paper B"H and kept unrolling it more and more.
My first instinct was in the negative, that perhaps I did not achieve what I could have in life and along those lines. After a good 1/2 hour of this. I tried my wife Elkie once and got the voice mail. Then again a few minutes later and she picked up. I was hardly able to talk and was still crying, she asked what going on thought I was in an accident, and wanted to know where I was.
I told here where I was and slowly started to tell her what happened so far. I still wasn't sure why I was crying and so intensely. What I did know at that point is that it hurts. I kept telling her over and over it hurts its hurts so much... But it was not a physical pain in any way.
After going though the 29 years since the last time I lived there, I realized that there were plenty of accomplishments in my life, and that's not what what this was about.
When I left Israel in 1983 I did not think much about it, I was just a fact of life. We all came back to America and life went on. I went to one bad high school and another bad one. At least I had good family and friends and got though it all. I created a successful business got married had children and generaly things seemed ok.
But apparently they were not ok for that little boy. Even though I was unconscious of this for 29 years, that little boy that was once me, never got over the move away from Israel.
It's like I left a marble there looked for it and found it, but instead I was looking for that little boy and found a piece of my soul in that place. It's like it was stuck and abandon there for 29 years. B"H I never mourned for a close one, but this felt like that and more.
I eventually calmed down a bit stayed on the phone with Elkie checked out my old school and made it back home early in the morning.
The next day I spoke with a very smart Rabbi I know who has written seforim about souls the 5 parts of them and how they work. He essentially concurred with me and helped clarify the experience. I was not regretting 29 years of my life. Apparently the ages that I was in Israel 11-14 are very important years in the spiritual and mental development of a child.The way he explained it is, I and probably my younger brother, established strong ROOTS in Israel and in that place. When we were taken away from there to America it was literally like ripping a tree out of the ground severing it from the roots still in the ground.
Apparently I was not aware of how traumatic this event was, I never felt it consciously or likely I ignored it and put it out of my mind so as not to feel the pain.
As 29 years elapsed the pain piled on interest. What I was feeling now was the intense pain of being spiritually disconnected from a place that I took strong root compiled with interest. I had never properly mourned for it before.
He said that most people who have similar traumatic events will never really relive it face to face like that. I was very fortunate to have this happen and that I can now deal with it since I am aware of what happened.
The interesting thing though is that, I did not have this experience the last times I was there, 2 and 3 years ago. I suggested that perhaps that little kid was in such pain for such a long time that being in Israel now so many years later for a year or two was not enough to let him open up to the adult me. But now that I am here for over 3 years more then he was here, it's like I made this unconscious statement I am here in Israel to stay and will never abandon you again.
I confirmed all this with another amazing Rabbi who also wrote many seforim on similar topics and now found a new friend.
I hope this event can help others face their traumatic events face on and use that very painful experience as an opportunity to heal and grow from it.
B"H I am now back in Israel reunited with my 13 year old root soul after 29 years.
What can be better then that:)
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